Friday, October 7, 2016


As I roll my bike through the door to my apartment, I don't notice anything wrong at first. That's probably helped by the layout of the one-bedroom that I call home: the front door open directly onto the door into the bathroom. So I adjust my bike in the narrow hallway in the dark, and I'm in the living room before the little details have piled up into a unmistakable conclusion: I had been struck by break-and-enter decorators.

The shelves that sat along the wall were gone, replaced by a console table in Art Deco style, its top an angular pattern of golds and blacks. With an in-tray sitting on it, and a small bowl next to it for keys. I knew this, because my spare set was sitting in there, still on the black shoelace I'd tied them on.

There was swearing. And I hadn't even turned on the light yet. That revealed more of the changes that had been heaped on the room. My set-up before had been pretty simple, I'll admit. I'd had two tables, one small one that served as my desk and a "normal" kitchen table that sat against it as a surface for board games. Instead a media console sat against the wall and a heavy-looking dining table sat center room, with four high-end chairs sitting around it.

My bedroom had been likewise touched by the ninja decorators, furniture that you could have pulled out of the 1920's replacing the spare furnishings I'd been living with. Though the bed was larger, and seemed comfortable enough.

It was only when I checked the room I'd blown off first that I found a note stuck to the mirror by a small magnet:

Mr. Schlaich,
Transpositions Decorating would like to welcome you to our "Match the Frame" Service! Your first bill will be arriving in two weeks.

I looked to the second page of the note, it was an invoice.

There was more swearing.

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