Monday, September 19, 2016

Change is normal, Change is everything, Change is Scary.

Trying to pull a prompt out for myself this week, instead of pulling from the list my friend's been supplying me. I think some of that is fear; there are certain topics on that list I don't want to hit for another month or two, until I've sorted out certain things in my life.

I've spent a long time playing with the idea of change, that things can never stay the same as they are right now, that tomorrow is never exactly like today. If I ever get around to writing up the big story that's sitting in my head, that's going to end up being one of the major themes of the story.

But how well do I deal with it in my personal life? In some regards, about as well as anybody else, I think. It scares me on a level that I really don't like to acknowledge, and my own personal way of reacting to it tends to lead to me freezing up or curling in on myself in panic.

A little over a year ago, I had the first major romantic relationship in my life turning to shit and falling apart. Both of us were hitting the eject button, but it took my friends to make me see that the situation had gone far past anything that was acceptable. They took me out of that situation, or they helped me take myself out of that situation.

And that night I had a panic attack as we were walking through a grocery store doing a little bit of shopping. My head couldn't stop quietly freaking out and I couldn't stop my heart from feeling like it was racing.

But my friends were there for me, and as time passed, it got easier. When I was finally able to go back to my apartment, I made it a place that was just mine, and that was an easier change because I embraced it and stepped forward.

I think that's what I need to try and do more of, accept and embrace the changes that life brings me. Not all of them will be good, but I don't do myself a damn bit of good by freezing up.

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